me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
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Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
This is my emotional support knife.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.