BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
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[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Uh oh…
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*