Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
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Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??