All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
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Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO