Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
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ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]