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Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
How to make infinite energy.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.