My dryer is celebrating lint.
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friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Growing out my freckles.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden