Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
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I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.