[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
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A GPS. But for where your story is going.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal