Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
You Might Also Like
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
those birds must be on payroll
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Has science gone too far?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
The cake is mightier than the sword.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.