[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
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if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape