museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
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People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next