My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
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Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
#Caturday
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot