WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
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My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Thrilling chase underway