STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
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Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”