the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
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If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Greeting humans vs their dogs
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.