*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
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I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”