If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
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Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?