Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
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My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.