16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
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[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Bless you
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
they split up moments later
#Thanos #MondayMood
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.