Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
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I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
When you let grandma cat sit
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles