Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
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Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
pictures of spider-man
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
he looks great for his age
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.