sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
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wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
a fate I wish upon no one
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
When I said I liked it rough.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today