Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
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I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
From my Mom
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life