After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
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I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
when there are deer in the woods
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests