20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
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ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
My guardian angel deserves a raise