My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.