Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
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*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
and this one
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.