People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
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Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.