[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
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before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I love twitter
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?