I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
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I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is