Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
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[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume