My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
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cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Education is vital
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
This made me chuckle.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”