Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
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My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9