Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
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Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Quadruple digit IQ
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.