When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
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I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough