[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
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Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.