What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
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Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing