I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
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If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Still my favourite meme.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
*offers Batman cough drops*
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?