SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
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Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
How high do the levels go?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK