Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 馃檨
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None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Me: Don鈥檛 do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
馃幎 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
It鈥檚 mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it鈥檚 not poisoned.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Me: I鈥檝e never met a toilet I couldn鈥檛 clog!
Job interviewer: 鈥nd a weakness?
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house