Finally
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My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
The old gods are rising again.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.