When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
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wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you鈥檝e aged horribly
me: u didn鈥檛 even turn it on
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don鈥檛 have to say 鈥淣etflix and avoiding responsibilities”
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
subtitles are so good nowadays
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
He’s so proud of his work! 馃ぃ
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latt茅?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Well, maybe they shouldn鈥檛 have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I’m sorry, I鈥檓 about to lose you because I鈥檓 driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there