Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I feel this so hard
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Self-cleaning conscience
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life