I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
You Might Also Like
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv