Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
You Might Also Like
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Fluff me with a fork baby
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.