I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
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Imagine having a party on purpose.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
*launders Kohls cash*
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.