Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
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1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.