My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
You Might Also Like
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
My dating profile:
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster