when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
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I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
At least try to make it slightly believable
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!